I am inclined to think of this baby as “The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.” This baby will be the completion of our family so it seems perfectly fitting that he be the Pot of Gold!
While I was at my OB appointment a few weeks ago, I asked my doctor to do an ultrasound and check for gender. Based on that ultrasound he said he was 75% sure it was a boy. I’m glad I had that first revelation that I could ponder on for several weeks before the confirmatory 2o-week ultrasound.
My first reaction to learning I was having a boy wasn’t positive. The thought I had was, “That doesn’t seem fair.” I couldn’t quite articulate or understand why I felt that way. But I think I had this belief that “the Universe can’t send us another boy and think that makes everything all right.” While I know this boy doesn’t replace Charlie, I somehow felt we shouldn’t have a boy in this life. That our life somehow always needs to represent our loss.
When we saw the baby at the 20 week ultrasound, my feelings changed. I found myself feeling genuinely happy. I was also happy to see Chad so happy. And of course, most important, was that the ultrasound didn’t see any physical problems with our baby and he is growing strong and healthy!
I was especially excited to surprise our girls and the rest of our friends. After the ultrasound we went to the Sweet Tooth Fairy and I ordered four cupcakes with blue frosting inserted in the middle. They looked like normal cupcakes on the outside but the colored frosting on the inside would reveal the gender of our baby.
Later that afternoon, after Hailee got home from school, we brought out the cupcakes. The girls were so excited! Although I think Cami felt somewhat confused. We filmed the girls biting into the cupcakes and finding the blue frosting. Hailee’s excitement was the best as she exclaimed, “We are having a brother!” We used the video to tell our family and friends (and social media) our news.
Everyone is really excited for us. A lot of people are also being sensitive and thoughtful as they inquire how we feel about having another boy.
I still feel really happy. I know this is going to be quite messy and hard. I know the trauma memories will be stronger. I am worried this little boy may look like his older brother and that will be messy if that’s the case. But I also hope and am looking forward to raising a boy! I’ve always wanted to raise a boy! While I don’t feel I’m missing anything with my sweet tom-boy, Hailee, it’ll still be great to experience raising a boy. I am hopeful this little guy will live. I feel his story is incredible and he is a miracle. I feel as a result, he “should” live. But I am also very aware there are no such things as guarantees. I am trying not to jump too far ahead in the future and stay present. Now that I am past the first trimester and no longer feel miserable and sick, I am trying to soak up and enjoy my last experience of growing a baby.
As I write this, little man is kicking around in my tummy. He’s a very active baby and I love it. I am loving him.