In less than a month, our rainbow turns two. It’s about right now that people start wondering (or have been wondering for awhile) but start asking out loud, if we are planning on having more kids. Just this week I’ve been asked that question three different times. And if I’m being honest, it’s been on my mind for the last six months or so, as well.
I’ll cut to the chase and add details as I go. Chad and I are 100% UNSURE if we are having more kids at this point. We are literally on the fence about it. For a couple months this question troubled me a lot. For some reason I felt I needed to DECIDE! Cami IS turning 2 and I am over 33 years old! I don’t have many good child-bearing years left in me. But then I realized (therapy helped) that the pressure of having to decide was only causing anxiety and decreasing clarity. So Chad and I decided that we would deliberately NOT decide for awhile.
And that is where we are right now: consciously NOT deciding to have or not have another baby.
Whenever one of us brings the topic up, the other seems to take the opposing view. If I say, “I think I might be done,” Chad will say that he doesn’t think we are done. If I say, “I think I might want another baby,” Chad will say, “I’d have to really think about that.” So there is no direction or consensus. And that’s fine. Without any pressure to come to a conclusion, we get to live more in the present with our daughters and evaluate the needs of our family, as it stands right now.
One thing Chad and I have realized this last year, since having a toddler Cami roaming the house in addition to a spunky Hailee, is that PARENTING IS HARD. I honestly feel like having one child is a CAKE WALK compared to two. And I HEAR having three increases the difficulty exponentially. This year, as parents, has stretched us, challenged us, and driven us to the limits of our sanity. I’m not going to say we’ve been miserable. In fact we’ve mostly felt the opposite. We’ve been good AND it’s been incredibly hard. I don’t think we have particularly hard children. I also don’t think we have the easiest children either.
Cami is a pure delight and a great little toddler. BUT she is, by definition, a toddler, and lives up to that reputation.
Hailee has always been emotional and struggles with emotion regulation. We as parents have struggled, in turn, how to help Hailee regulate her emotions. This is challenging and draining.
But if that were all, I think we’d be inclined to have more kids. Because these two we have here with us, are pretty amazing.
It’s the effects of having lost our son Charlie that mostly interfere with our desire to have more kids. I honestly cannot adequately describe the TOLL losing a baby takes on your body and soul. We live with constant fear (I’m not exaggerating) of losing another one of our children, because we KNOW how easily and quickly that could happen. When I think of having another baby, I feel overwhelmed thinking, “It’s hard enough to keep these two alive!”
There is this quote I put in Hailee’s baby book that says, “Having a child is to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” When you are a parent, you feel and are, vulnerable. I think all parents feels this vulnerability. And I think most parents are cocooned within this cozy layer of naivete. Bad things happen, but to OTHER PEOPLE. I know I was that way before we lost Charlie. I can never be that blissfully ignorant again.
As a result, our experience as parents now includes pain. I don’t mean that to sound dramatic. It’s not. It’s our reality. Parenting is hard, period. It’s even HARDER with a thick layer of trauma, grief, and FEAR plastered on.
That first year of Cami’s life was HONESTLY about KEEPING HER ALIVE. It was beautiful and full of sweet memories but the primary objective was: Get Cami past the SIDS risk. It was almost as hard as surviving the first year after Charlie died. The anxiety was horrible. The trauma memories that flooded us that year were so painful. The sleep deprivation was barely survivable. Our marriage really suffered as all else took a backseat to keeping Cami alive. We really were slightly crazy that year.
This year we’ve regained some semblance of sanity and are beginning to live again. But this living feels tenuous, always lined with fear. We are trying to be brave and as a result we are creating some awesome memories as a family. And I feel like it’s the first time in YEARS that I’ve been able to take a deep (albeit tentative) breath.
As we are finally getting our feet back under us, it’s hard to want to rip that ground away with adding more vulnerability and fear in the form of another family member. Plus, my pregnancies have all included some significant complication, and if history were to hold true, the vulnerability begins at conception!
Also, as a personal rant. I have always wanted three kids. And three kids I have! I HATE that I don’t get to have all three of them here. I also hate that I don’t get credit for having three kids. People see me and I think they see a mother of two, not three. That’s hard on me. It makes me sad.
Anyway, I could go on as I have more to say but that enough musing for now on this topic.