Success

I love walking into a hotel room and smelling the stale air and feeling the scratchy bathroom towels. To me, these sensations are the promise to memories to be made and adventures to be had. I feel like it’s cliche because it seems like everyone likes to travel, but for me, travel really does it for me! I love the comfort of routine but I really thrive on adventure. But losing Charlie while on a vacation almost completely eradicated my desire for travel and adventure and replaced it with fear.

But this last week I took a very brave step, and flew to Boston for the American Group Psychotherapy Association annual conference. I left Cami and Hailee in the care of Chad and my mother-in-law and met up in Boston with friends from work and graduate school. This trip was the first I’ve taken since we have had Cami in our arms and leaving her felt so wrong. But it also felt so necessary.

I needed to learn that Cami will be fine without me. And I needed to learn that I can be fine without her. And while it felt somewhat bittersweet to see her on Face-Time and observe that she looked just as happy in my absence as in my presence, that gave me continued to permission to enjoy my trip.

And I did enjoy my trip! It was just what I needed. AGPA is a truly unique experience. At AGPA phrases like, “I feel really connected to you right now,” and “I really resonate with what you are saying and feel a lot of caring for you,” are ubiquitous every hour in every workshop and seminar. The whole spectrum of emotions are felt and expressed at this conference as attendees are encouraged to be authentic and dis-inhibited to accentuate their own experience and training and facilitate an intense group experience. So complete strangers are shedding tears together, or fighting with one another, grieving together, or even admitting attractions to each other (yes boundaries can be blurry here so it’s important to maintain your own, as others will not do it for you). It’s a very powerful and meaningful experience…and maybe you’ll just have to take my word on that as I read over how I explained it and realize it sounds quite hokey and bizarre. But I believe passionately in the power of group psychotherapy because I see it in the groups I run and I experience it personally at these annual conferences.

I roomed with a good friend from graduate school who I only get to see once a year, as we now live across the nation from each other. Another graduate school acquaintance joined us and after a couple days together she quickly transitioned from acquaintance to friend.

Because AGPA is a place of connection, I found I was able to do some healing personal grief work. I connected with others who have lost loved ones  and we cried together. I also felt free to do grief work as I was away from Cami. With Cami, grieving Charlie feels…messy. It’s been tangled up more with anxiety, trauma reminders, and gratitude for the amazing gift of another baby. But at AGPA, I felt I was able to connect to my grief without it feeling messy or threatening and though the connections and grief expression only happened for brief moments, it felt very healing and connective.

So the conference itself felt like much-needed personal therapy. Beyond the conference, my friends and colleagues and I had a great time sharing meaningful conversations, wandering around historical Boston sites, eating good food, and dancing…yes dancing! AGPA hosts a dance each year and with some persuasion, my trouser and sweater wearing colleagues demonstrated some impressive and comical dance moves!

My heart felt genuinely happy for those few days. It was a very welcome breath of fresh air. Now I am home and back to my routine of oatmeal breakfasts and reservoir hikes and feeding Cami sweet potatoes and watching Hailee jump on her trampoline. My Boston trip was definitely a success and I look forward to the possibility of more trips! Soon!