This week, I think, is going to feel raw for me. I can feel my emotions closer to the surface. I feel anxiety scratching constantly on my heart. I feel hot tears warming my eyeballs at unbidden moments. My mind races with feared scenarios. Memories are flooding back more than they have in a long time. Nightmares are plaguing my sleep. I feel the urge to hold Cami and never put her down. My prayers are becoming more pleading and desperate again.
This next Sunday, Cami will be the age Charlie was when he died. On Sunday, Cami will be four months old and one day.
For so long after Charlie died, I worked so hard to convince myself there was nothing I could have done to save him. Now that I have Cami, I am trying to convince myself the opposite: that I could’ve saved him. I need to feel some sense of control and predictability in our life. As a result, I’ve almost convinced myself that if only I could’ve kept Charlie from rolling over then maybe he’d be alive. So I’m doing everything in my power to keep Cami from rolling over. We keep her in the bouncer, the swing, the carseat, or our arms. But of course thousands of babies roll over in their sleep everyday and don’t die, so there is an unexplained element to Charlie’s death. Also the fact that the autopsy didn’t indicate any suffocation. So, we can’t really pinpoint why Charlie died. I’m terrified it was something genetic, and that if it was, Cami could have that gene or faulty wiring too.
But we don’t know. There is so little known about SIDS…it only left us with more questions than answers. And more anxiety and fear with our rainbow.
I know Cami won’t be past the SIDS risk after Sunday…But I feel that if only she will live longer than her brother, then I’ll start believing that maybe we’ll get to keep her. I know there are moments when I feel she’ll live. For example, I can imagine celebrating Christmas with her. I can imagine her crawling, learning to walk and talk, growing hair long enough for pigtails, and even starting preschool. There are even moments where I feel impressions of what she’ll be like as a teenager. There are times when I feel peace and reassurance about her. But I always wonder if I just want her to live so much that I’m convincing myself? That I’m somehow generating these feelings of peace? Then my logical side kicks in and says that, no, in all my anxiety and fear right now, I can’t fabricate those quiet whispers of peace. And I try to cling to that.
I want to believe that my Heavenly Father wants me to raise this little girl. That He wouldn’t give me another child to just snatch away again. But I don’t know the mind of God. I don’t know his plan for me. I learned a year and a half ago that His plan is obviously different from mine.
So I feel my task is to learn to trust Him. But it’s so hard when I want to keep Cami so badly and I don’t know if He feels the same way. I feel the need to convince Him to give me a chance to raise her! I want to believe He and I want the same things. But faith and trust in Him isn’t about getting what I want.
So I’m HOPING Cami lives and I keep trying to just breathe in each moment I get with her. I am hopeful that next Monday will come and we’ll celebrate Cami being four months and two days old!