My Light

Confsession: It was emotionally difficult for me to be around Hailee for a few weeks after Charlie died. When we came back from lunch on that horrible day and were putting Hailee and Charlie down for a nap, I felt exhausted myself and wanted to doze for an hour or so. I debated whether to take my own nap in our bedroom with Charlie, or to sleep with Hailee. I decided to sleep with Hailee because Charlie was always a restless sleeper and I knew I’d get a better nap snuggling with her instead. It was then while I was sleeping soundly with my little daughter that my son died. I have felt deep guilt for this decision. I think to myself how I might have heard him or been able to save him had I only decided to sleep in the same room as him! But I didn’t and I’ll never know. Then, because I chose to sleep with Hailee instead of Charlie, I felt like I chose her over him. I don’t think Charlie feels that way toward me. I don’t believe he resents me for that choice. But it was hard not to resent myself. And subsequently, in the early weeks after losing him, each time I would be around Hailee, guilt would flood over me. So I withdrew from her, both physically and emotionally.

I didn’t know what to do. I hated losing Charlie and I hated feeling disconnected from Hailee. It was so painful! In my desperation, I prayed for help to change my feelings so that I could be around my daughter again.

I don’t really get answers to prayers easily. They are usually very hard for me to come by. But man, this answer came almost instantaneously! Within hours of pleading with my Heavenly Father to help me in my relationship with Hailee, I felt my heart change and I haven’t felt that guilt being around her since. In fact, I have felt the opposite. I have felt totally drawn to her.

And this change has been so important because Hailee is MY LIGHT. She is what is right in our lives. She brings so much joy, fulfillment, peace, healing, and hope in our lives.

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Chad said to me the other day, “Sometimes I think Hailee was given to us to help us.” I totally agree. I have thought many many times since losing Charlie that I don’t know where’d I’d be emotionally, physically, psychologically, or spiritually, if it wasn’t for her.

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Hailee is my reason for getting up each day. She is my motivation to try to function. To try to find myself again so I can be the mother she so deserves. I feed off her light and life and in turn try to spark my own so I have something to give back to her. I have never been so grateful for anyone in my entire life as I am for this amazing little girl. IMG_1444

Since losing Charlie, my love for Hailee has grown in powerful ways. Everyone loves their children to depths that defy explanation. But my love for Hailee has grown to new depths and to new appreciation. The best way I can describe it now, is that my love for her is fierce.

This love brings feelings of anxiety and vulnerability as I know how fragile and fleeting life can be! But this love energizes me, gives me meaning, and purpose. I try to drink in every moment with her; even the fiesty ones! She is such a blessing as I’ve never had before. I am so grateful for her light in my life.

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