Clinging to hope and fighting despair

I have amazingly good news. And then not-so-good news. The good news: I’m 12 weeks pregnant! The baby is due July 24. The baby looks really healthy, is growing well, and has a great heartbeat. We affectionately refer to the baby as “peanut.”


The not-so-good news: I have a subchorionic hemorrhage that is threatening to make me miscarry.

Remember my mention about the ER visit over the holidays? Well the ER visit wasn’t for a sick Hailee. It was for me, as I started bleeding quite a bit, quite suddenly, in the middle of the night. As we waited for over an hour and half for the doctor to see us, I couldn’t help but despair and say to myself, “Of course this is happening to us.” The deluge of crappiness just keeps coming! I was convinced I was miscarrying and that the baby was already gone.

Chad and I were immensely relieved when the ultrasound revealed a squirmy little baby doing “great.” The baby was moving around so much that the doctor had slight difficulty finding it’s heartbeat. But when he did, the heartbeat sounded great t00. It was so wonderful to see the little one flipping all over the place in it’s little swimming pool.

The other good news we received that night was that my cervix was still closed. So while the doctor said this was “threatened miscarriage,” it was not inevitable because my cervix was cooperating.

The bleeding and cramping, thankfully, slowed and stopped within 24 hours and we began to breathe and hope. Then, unfortunately, the day after we arrived back in Utah, I started bleeding and cramping again. I was grateful to see my own OBGYN this time, who made a special exception to come in on a day he doesn’t usually see office visits.

The results weren’t good or bad. They were the same from the first ER visit. The good news is my cervix is still closed and the baby is doing awesome. The bad news is we discovered a large subchorionic hemorrhage that was causing the bleeding and cramping. The clot was so large it was almost as big as the baby! Our doctor tried to be as honest with us as possible and said, “I won’t rate your chance of miscarriage as low” but he said he was encouraged by the location of the clot (which isn’t interfering with the baby at all), the fact that my cervix is closed, and that the baby looks great.

Thankfully, again, within 24 hours the bleeding and cramping stopped. I am almost literally holding my breath for the next episode of bleeding. Best outcome: The clot will simply absorb and we won’t have any more bleeds. Other possible outcomes: 1.Clot will stop hemorrhaging, blood will turn rusty brown, and I’ll have yucky rusty brown discharge but peanut will be fine! 2. clot will continue to bleed but baby will continue to be fine and my cervix will stay closed, 3. Clot will continue to bleed, cramping will activate my cervix to dilate, and miscarriage will be inevitable.

As all of this has been going on, I have been fighting despair and pessimism and trying so desperately to cling to hope. After losing Charlie it has become so easy to be overly pessimistic, thinking nothing will ever work out for us again. I’m having to make strong conscious decisions to be positive about this pregnancy and hope that we’ll get our rainbow baby this summer! I am trying to focus on the positive signs the Dr. noted and take it super, super easy.

It has been really hard for me to pray and ask for a miracle that I can keep this baby. Losing Charlie has been the biggest trial of my faith and here I am, presented with another. I’m trying to have faith that my petitions can be heard and even granted. After Charlie’s death, I landed in a place where I bitterly believed, “Well, it’s going to be God’s will not matter what, or He’s not involved at all, so there’s no point in asking for anything.” I tried to change myself and no longer want anything and tried to accept life by “its” terms. But I want this rainbow baby soooo badly. And I want to believe that God could give us a miracle. And, so, each time I kneel to pray, I feel soo vulnerable.  I am trying to pray anyway.

Overall, I am happy to report that each day that goes by and I’m still pregnant, my hope continues to grow and overpower my despair. Here’s to hoping, not just for A rainbow, but THIS rainbow!



10 thoughts on “Clinging to hope and fighting despair

  1. littleraskills

    We are desperate for this to work out! There’s nothing we want more than for you and Chadley to be holding a warm bundle of love in July. Love you googolplex!

  2. Ann Packard

    Dad and I are praying for all good news!! I take each week at a time and sending my
    positive karma heavenward! Love you and Chad and Hailee to “Infinity…..and beyond!”

  3. Annie

    Praying for outcomes #1 or #2!! Seems so unfair that this couldn’t happen more quickly and simply for you guys, but I’ll hope for the best this time!

  4. Jesica


    Congrats!!! I can relate to hope and despair. When I was pregnant with Adele, I had a hard time being excited because I miscarried twice before and had preterm labor with Adele. It didn’t even feel real when she was born. My only regret was that I didn’t enjoy my pregnancy with Adele more. Hope you have a more faith in His plan than I did. :). Loves!!!

  5. Bridgette

    I am so unbelievably happy for!!! Congratulations and I pray and hope all turns out well! After losing my twins I lost one more pregnancy so when I finally got preg with my 2nd (Dylan) I was very nervous and praying I wouldn’t lose him also, and it was hard to enjoy the preg at first but I did end up jus enjoying it and stopped worring about it. I hope you will be able to do the same. Enjoy every moment and try to smile like you never smiled befor.

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